Get the best of President Bannon

Remember Steve Bannon, the guy who wants to destroy America so he can rebuild it in his own image?

Well, he now calls himself @PresidentBannon, “ The real 45th POTUS.” (You do remember that election, don’t you?)

He has some lovely things to say about President Trump.

You can find them at https://twitter.com/PRESlDENTBANNON together with a picture of him looking like the village drunk.

To save you time, here is just a sampling of @PresidentBannon’s deathless prose:

Steve Bannon
@PRESlDENTBANNON
The real 45th POTUS

It’s damn near impossible to cut taxes when you only control the House, the Senate, the White House and the Supreme Court.
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Wall length: 0
Pro-pedophile rallies: 1
Plea deals: 2
Approval rating: 32%
Devices seized by Mueller: 36
Golf trips: 78
Denture cost: $5,000
Documents seized by Mueller: 400,000
Puerto Ricans without power: 1,000,000
Tax plan deficit: $1.4 trillion

So much winning
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Al Franken. If at any point you feel like harassing women or underage girls and you would also like to be a senator, do not hesitate to contact the Republican Party.
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Wall: no
Credibility: gone
Achievements: none
GOP slogan: 14 is the new 30
National monuments: shrinking
Middle East strategy: burning
Allies: deserting
Flynn: singing
Lawyer: tweeting
Teeth: crumbling
Speech: slurring
Title: Emperor Bonespur of Nambia

So much winning
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Asked @seanhannity to explain on TV how Flynn’s secret plan to get rid of sanctions and work with Russia to build nuclear reactors in the Middle East wasn’t collusion with Russia but a Deep State conspiracy to undermine the Trump presidency. Ordered by Obama. Paid by Soros
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Recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel is the most economical way to set the Middle East on fire.
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Let me try to explain.

– Mitt Romney avoiding Vietnam: BAD
– Donald Trump avoiding Vietnam: OK

– Anthony Weiner sexting underage girls: BAD
– Roy Moore touching underage girls: OK

– Barack Obama golfing: BAD
– Donald Trump golfing: OK

Got it?
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@realDonaldTrump: Sexual pervert Anthony Weiner has zero business holding public office.
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So a birther, a tax evader, a white supremacist, a Bible basher, a Republican and a sex offender walk into a mall. What does the security guard say?

“Come on Roy, you are banned from here and you know it.”
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Today’s achievements:

• Claim to be above the law
• Feel “very badly” for guilty Flynn
• Shrink national monuments
• Endorse alleged child molester

So much winning, and it’s only Monday
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If we can make our base — the poor, unemployed people in rural America — to cheer Wall Street hitting record highs, we sure as hell can make Alabama elect a pedophile to the Senate.
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Today we have decided to claim that the President cannot obstruct justice because he is the chief law enforcement officer.

I feel so bad for Nixon who resigned for nothing
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Priority list:

1. BUT HER EMAILS
2. Attack FBI
3. Attack Bob Mueller
4. Attack media
5. Attack Justice Department
6. Cut own and friends’ taxes
7. Golf
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.
812. Prevent nuclear holocaust
.
.
1733. Repair Puerto Rico power grid
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Day 316

Wall length: 0
Flipped advisors: 1
Guilty pleas: 2
Direct messages to WikiLeaks: 3
Approval rating: 33%
Communications with Russians: 51
Golf trips: 78
Lies: 1700
Tweets: 2210
Golf cart rental cost: $150,000
Tax plan deficit: $1,400,000,000,000

Numbers show the winning
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Friday: find out your former National Security Advisor has offered a guilty plea

Saturday: accidentally admit to obstruction of justice while tweeting on the toilet

Weekend going great
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Our tax bill has very low public support, but that will change once people realize that it includes a tax break for private jet owners.
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Passing the tax reform bill was a big victory. It opens up the possibility of enriching big corporations while eliminating poverty and sickness by killing off the sick and the poor.
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Because stock market is at an all-time high, economy running at 3% of GDP, housing starts up 14%, consumer confidence at 17-year high and unemployment at 17-year low, we MUST pass a deficit-financed tax cut bill and strip ACA to give more to big corporations and to the top 1%.
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Privately pressing officials to end investigation into your actions is a well-known sign of innocence.
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Nov 30

1) Raise taxes for the poor
2) Gut net neutrality to silence them
3) Scrap healthcare subsidies
4) Laugh in gold-plated penthouse

Winning
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It is a well-established fact that the best time to replace the Secretary of State is when you’re a tweet away from nuclear war.
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Day 313

Insult: everybody
Missiles: North Korean
War: nearing
Investigation: widening
Tweets: out of control
Her: emails
Sex scandals: getting closer
Title: Colonel Covfefe of Nambia
Unfolding: panic
Prison: federal
Indictments: soon
Diagnosis: dotardism

Almost tired of winning
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– Accuse Joe Scarborough of murder
– Tweet racist fake news
– Attack Matt Lauer
– Hold a rally to lie about taxes
– Insult Kim Jong-un
– Attack British PM
– Blame “Deep State”
– Suggest firing people for “fake news”
– Blame Democrats
– Call for boycott of CNN

Very busy Wednesday
29 replies 291 retweets 762 likes
Reply 29 Retweet 291 Like 762 Direct message
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CNN is fake news
Climate change is fake
Obama’s birth certificate is fake
Access Hollywood tape is fake
Three million illegals voted
Biggest inauguration crowd ever
Time Magazine called
There will be a wall
We will drain the swamp
Your taxes will be cut
Won’t have time to golf
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Retweeting unverified anti-Muslim videos from far-right groups is the fastest way of gaining international respect and admiration among our allies.
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I understand that the threat of being turned into radioactive dust worries you. We will take care of North Korea, but right now we must concentrate on Obama’s birth certificate and Hillary’s emails.
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We have concluded that the best way to respond to North Korea’s missile launch is to talk about Hillary Clinton’s emails.
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Our attempt to stop Rocket Man by golfing frequently appears not to have worked.
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Forcing Native American WWII veterans to listen to your “Pocahontas” insults while you stand in front of an Andrew “Indian Killer” Jackson portrait is one of the key elements of making America great again.
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To-do list

• Divide society
• Suppress minorities
• Cut taxes for the top 1%
• Destroy healthcare
• Speed up climate change
• Kill net neutrality rules
• Support pedophiles
• Question First Amendment
• Attack media freedom
• Weaken consumer protections

So much winning
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• Endorse a child molester
• Golf

Busy Sunday at Mar-a-Lago
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Lying:

Jessica Drake
Summer Zervos
Rachel Crooks
Temple Taggart
Jill Harth
Natasha Stoynoff
Jessica Leeds
Cathy Heller
Kristin Anderson
Ninni Laaksonen
Mindy McGillivray
Karena Virginia
Leigh Corfman
Beverly Young Nelson
Tina Johnson

Not lying:

Roy Moore
Vladimir Putin
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Day 306

Walls: 0
Golf trips: 74
Biggest problem: LaVar
Head of Charts: Hannity
Laundry operations: Panama
Advisors: grounded
Ankle bracelets: electronic
Sponsor: Keurig
IT support: WikiLeaks
Slogan: 14 is the new 30
Full title: Commander Covfefe of Nambia

The winning never ends
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White supremacists ✔
Neo-Nazis ✔
Child molesters ✔

In 2018 the plan is to embrace drug traffickers and serial killers.
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We will sort out North Korea and help Puerto Rico, but first we must tackle the really important issues facing America today: kneeling NFL players and LaVar Ball’s ungratefulness.
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Please take moment to think about all the millionaires and billionaires who already have so much that our tax cut will not make them any happier. So sad.
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If we have to endorse a child molester in order to take away healthcare from the poor and to secure a tax cut for the top 0.1%, so be it.
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Exactly 50 days ago a gunman opened fire on concertgoers in Las Vegas, killing 58 and injuring 546. We have been very busy in doing nothing to prevent something like that from ever happening again.
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– Did you call the Russians?
– No
– Here are the phone records
– Oh THOSE calls
– Did you meet with Russians?
– No
– Here are the participants
– Oh THAT meeting
– Did you speak with WikiLeaks?
– No
– Here are the messages
– Oh THAT WikiLeaks

We are onto a winning strategy here.
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Let me explain you our tax plan, it is very simple:

Those who are poor or terminally ill will pay more. Those who have private jets will pay less.

Have a nice weekend.
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Jared Kushner? Barely remember him, a low-level volunteer staffer. I think he was just the coffee boy.
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Day 300

Build wall ✖
Drain swamp ✖
Release tax returns ✖
Repeal Obamacare ✖
Lock her up ✖
Rebuild infrastructure ✖
Defund sanctuary cities ✖
Label China a currency manipulator ✖
Never take a vacation as president ✖
Lift ban on elephant hunt trophies ✔

Keeping promises
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URGENT: MISSING PERSON

• Name: Jefferson Sessions III
• Height: 5’2″
• Weight: 125 lbs
• Age: 70
• Eyes: blue
• Hair: white
• Race: master
• Usually wears a suit or a robe
• Suffers from memory loss
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– No connection to Russia
– OK the ambassador called
– OK we met the ambassador
– OK there were some emails
– OK one of us visited Russia
– OK we met a Russian lawyer
– OK here are the Wikileaks messages

So. Much. Winning.
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Sending unencrypted direct messages from your personal Twitter account is the safest way of secretly colluding with foreign governments.
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Day 295

FBI: lying
CIA: lying
NSA: lying
Comey: lying
Clapper: lying
Hillary: lying
Obama: lying
Bush Jr: lying
Bush Sr: lying
Papadopoulos: lying
Media: lying
Democrats: lying
Corker: lying
McCain: lying
Puerto Rico: lying
Gold Star widow: lying
Putin: not lying

Winning
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On second thought, maybe our plan of distracting from the child sex issue by defending Putin and attacking our own intelligence agencies on Veterans Day was a bad idea.
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Putin did not meddle in our elections. Honest guy. Our intelligence agencies lie. Happy Veterans Day.

P.S. Bone spurs not bothering anymore.
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Mueller must end the Russia investigation because Putin said he did not do it and the accusations make him sad.
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Listen up, @seanhannity. Bring back the Pizzagate. Say all Roy Moore’s accusers and witnesses are lying but Democrats are running a child sex ring in the basement of a pizza place with no basement. Your audience will believe it.
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Updated logo by cartoonist AnnTelnaes” has been officially approved.

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Made a guide to help him deal with all the sexual harassment news.

Taking sides in the war between President Bannon and President Trump is like choosing between Mussolini and Hitler. A pox on both of them.

Rodger Malcolm Mitchell