Here’s my plan to destroy America and democracy in just two years:
- Start a war I promised not to start.
- Fire my most experienced generals.
- Fire the blacks, women, and gays in the military, no matter how effective they are as soldiers.
- Hire an incompetent, inexperienced Fox News announcer to run the military.
- Create a Gestapo and call it “ICE,” to terrorize people who are not white Christian Republicans.
- Lose the war because I have no experienced and competent people to run it. Blame Biden and Obama for the loss, while I repeatedly claim we have won.
- Make sure the Republican Party has no voice other than mine.
- Hire bootlickers for the Supreme Court, and have them give me kingly powers
- Force the schools to say good things about me. Call any criticism of bigotry “woke.”
- Weaponize my Justice Department to attack everyone who disagrees with me.
- Penalize all the media who tell the truth about me.
- Then, when the voters realize what I have done and want to vote me out, have the postal service stop mailing ballots and use gerrymandering wherever it’s most damaging.
What do you think, Mr. Putin?
Pretty good, but you forgot a couple of things:
- Free the criminals who attacked Congress and tried to overthrow your government.
- Make enemies of America’s former Allies.
- Claim all your enemies are communists. Get cozy with Kim and me.
- Don’t defend any country I attack.
- Don’t listen to doctors, Hire a fool to block vaccines, medical research, and health care insurance. Promote fake cures like hydroxychloroquine.
- Split up that damn NATO thing.
- Start inflation by instituting high tariff taxes on your own consumers.
- Give tax breaks to your rich pals. Raise taxes on everyone else.
- You and your family steal as much as your Supreme Court, and your Republican Party will justify.
- If it’s good, claim you did it. If it’s bad, blame anyone else.
- Claim that climate change is a “con job” and that wind turbines cause cancer, so your coal pals can make profits while the world heats up and floods.
- Never keep your word. Cheat and lie about everything. Admit nothing. Deny everything.
Hi. Welcome to the club. Come see what each of us has done to our countries. - Name everything — streets, monuments, symphony halls, buildings, etc. — after you.
- To prove you are a patriot, hug and kiss the American flag. Do the same with unwilling women.
Just keep saying to yourself, “What would Kim Jong Un, Vlad, and Adolf do, and you’ll be OK.
Rodger Malcolm Mitchell
