Buttkisser Felon #1: “Mr. Wonderful, Terrific, Best-president-of-all-time President, the people will need reassurance that you have a plan for the coronavirus.”
Trump: “Oh, I have a plan. I’m going to tweet it. By the way, you’re fired for not worshipping me enough or being crooked enough.
BF #2: Oh glorious King Trump, I’m not sure that will do it. People might expect a bit more specificity about your marvelous plan. And by the way, it’s spelled c-o-r-o-n-a-v-i-r-u-s.
Trump: More speci – what? Oh, details? OK, I’ll give ’em details if that’s what they need. And by the way, you’re fired for correcting me. Here are the details.
BF #3: That was really super most holy Emperor Trump, but will people believe that global warming, which isn’t really happening, kill the virus — since it really isn’t happening?
Trump: If I say it’s global warming is not happening . . . where is that fool who brought a snowball into Congress, when I need him? Anyway, you’re fired for mentioning the global warming hoax. So here is my greatest idea in the history of ideas.
BF #4: That was a great idea President Cult Leader. This way if he fails, you’re clear and if he succeeds, you take the credit. Brilliant. May I get off my knees now?
Trump: But now that I’m on a roll, I feel I should keep on tweeting. It always seems to work with my dumb followers, who would support me even if I shot someone on 5th Avenue. And you’re fired for not kissing both cheeks.
BF #4: Before I go to jail, did I mention that Pence is spelled P-e-n-c-e? And predictably, he failed miserably, just like in Indiana.
BF #5. President Modest Stable Genius, everything seems to be falling apart. People are sick and dying. No help is coming from anywhere. You fired all the good people in the Health and Human Services Department, and now you are left with ignorant, incompetent buttkissers like me.
Trump: That’s just a rumor started by Romney who is jealous because I came up with the idea of screwing creditors by going bankrupt multiple times. He wishes he thought of it. Anyway, I’ll tweet this thing out of existence. And you’re fired for telling the truth. Didn’t you learn anything in my administration? No truth. My followers hate truth.
BF #6. Well, here we are Mr. Orange President-For-Life. The virus has killed a lot of people, but you’ll be glad to know that most of them are Democrats, gays, people of color, Muslims, people from shithole countries, the Indians you insulted because they served you vegetables you wouldn’t eat, the students from Trump University, your creditors, and all the women you cheated with. All gone. So bye.
Trump: Great. The plan is working. And you can’t quit; you’re fired because I’m a star and you wouldn’t let me grab your p*ssy.
Trump: From my golf courses, where I spend most of my time and I can charge the government outrageous fees, I tweeted the greatest plans, which were loved by everyone, including Vladimir Putin (who never helped me win the election and who hid the pee pee tape) and that little rocket man, Kim (whose love letter assured me he would not fire any more missiles).
But overrated Obama, nasty Pelosi, lightweight Sondland, weak Comey, Sleepy Joe, disgraced Vindman, Crazy Bernie, terrible Yates, nut job Pocahontas, crooked Hillary, loser Schumer, lying Bolton, dope Scaramucci, and that stupid whistleblower sabotaged my beautiful plans by telling the truth to the dumb, dopey, irrelevant, clueless, stupid, failed, fake, sad, dying, disgraced, phony, weak NY Times and the terrible, dishonest Washington Post.
Even suckup traitors to America like Barr (who I don’t know), Giuliani (who I never met), Graham (complete stranger), and McConnell (who?), jumped ship when the uneducated peasants, who were my base, came with pitchforks and lanterns.
And as for Melania, who wouldn’t sleep in the same room with me, I’m only sorry your replacements, who I already had groped, didn’t survive.
So there’s no one left but me, the greatest President in the history of America . . . no, the world . . . the universe.
Now, where is clown DJTJ, who I never will love as much as Ivanka (if she weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her)? I want to kick his butt for no reason. It would make everyone feel good.