The Republican rule of law is if a sixth grader feels “uncomfortable” with a book, or a school board deems it “pornographic,” that book must be banned from the library.
And I agree.
It isn’t enough to suggest that parents who are moved by sex, simply to tell their children not to read it. And it isn’t enough that parents preclude their children from going on the Internet, where every type of sex is readily available.
The Internet should be banned, too.
And as everyone knows, homosexuality is, by definition, pornography, so any book that involves gay, loving couples also should be banned. And I agree with that, too.
And if you disagree, my beliefs take precedence over your beliefs.
Therefore, I want — no, demand — that the book containing the following passages be removed from all libraries, public and religious.
Our children (who never hear such language from their friends) should not be exposed and made to say they feel “uncomfortable” (although that’s not the language a sixth grader would use without extensive coaching from his parents.)
OK, so there is no actual evidence that reading about sex has any adverse effect on a child, but I know what’s best for my kids and for your kids, too.
Here are the offending passages from that filthy book:
“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.” (Ezekiel 16:17)
“If two men, a man, and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.” (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)
“When she carried on her whoring so openly and flaunted her nakedness, I turned in disgust from her, as I had turned in disgust from her sister.

Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys and whose issue was like that of horses.
Yes, you know what “members” are.
Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts.” (Ezekiel 23:18-21)
“A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” (Proverbs 5:19)
“Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.” (7.3)
“Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.” (7.7)
“My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.” (1:13)
“I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment.” (8:10)
“Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” (4:16)
And that isn’t a garden she wants him to blow on.
“My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.” (5:4)
A “door”?
Saul replied, “Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’”
Saul’s plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines. When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law.
So before the allotted time elapsed, David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law.
Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage. (1 Samuel 18:25-27)
“And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.” (Genesis 19:33-36)
No one should be forced to read that. Of course, no one ever is forced to read it, but anyway . . .
Now when she had brought them to him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, “Come, lie with me, my sister.”
But she answered him, “No, my brother, do not force me, for no such thing should be done in Israel. Do not do this disgraceful thing! And I, where could I take my shame?
And as for you, you would be like one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king; for he will not withhold me from you.”
However, he would not heed her voice; and being stronger than she, he forced her and lay with her. (2 Samuel 13:11-14)
If a man happens to meet in a town a virgin pledged to be married and he sleeps with her, you shall take both of them to the gate of that town and stone them to death—the young woman because she was in a town and did not scream for help, and the man because he violated another man’s wife. You must purge the evil from among you. (Deuteronomy 22:23-24)
I don’t object to the part about stoning people to death. It’s the sex that kids shouldn’t know about.
While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, “Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him.”
The owner of the house went outside and said to them, “No, my friends, don’t be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don’t do this outrageous thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish.
But as for this man, don’t do such an outrageous thing.”
But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight.
When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, “Get up; let’s go.”
But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home.
When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel. (Judges 19:22-29)
Again, I don’t mind if my child reads about cutting up a woman into twelve pieces and strewing them about. But that reference to rape is disgusting.
Now, some of you heathens may not object to these passages, but sex is filth, filth I tell you, and it has no place in the home or in the library.
My blissful children have been tutored that babies come from the stork. That’s how I was raised, and my ignorance is as it should be.
So, I insist that the book be banned. If your kids need something to do, give them guns so they can stand their ground against rampaging gays.
P.S. Of course, it already has happened.
When book banning begins, there always will be someone whose morality or judgment is superior to yours, and they object to something.
And for some strange reason, the objectors seem to get their way. I wonder why.
Rodger Malcolm Mitchell Monetary Sovereignty Twitter: @rodgermitchell
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